The following is a real conversation.

Friend: “Man I love watching the Broncos they are so fun.”
Me: “Please stop speaking this nonsense.” (I talk like an English baron on the weekend)
Friend: “Don’t you like the Broncos?”
Me: “Yes, that is why I ask that you not like them.”

And this is the plea I have for the rest of you: odds makers, NFL fans, mothers, brothers, fathers and sisters. Don’t like the Denver Broncos. Please.

Remember yesterday when they beat the San Diego Chargers? Questionable call, right? Then they went for two. Exciting? No way. Sure it was awesome to see Jay Cutler’s laser arm and Eddie Royal’s firm grasp on the ball two times for a win. It was even better to see Brandon Marshall grab 18 catches – or Tony Scheffler’s two TDs. Or, how about the week before in Oakland, when the world was introduced to a potential light’s out offense, and a possible AFC West winner? Get out of here. You don’t want to watch that.

Forget that Mike Shanahan has bounced back to the make the playoffs following each of his four losing seasons. Or that he predicted the Broncos would make the playoffs. That should piss you off, you non-Broncos fans out there.

Just in case you find yourself enticed to tune in, you know, “just to see what’s going on with the Broncos,” don’t. If you need a reason, or two, to hate the Broncos – keep these fun facts in mind.

-Let’s start with Jay Cutler—He went to Vanderbilt. How can you possibly like a Commodore? Commodores are likely to prompt spontaneous dance with “Brick House” than the breeding ground for an NFL QB. Plus, Vanderbilt is known as the Harvard of the South and educated Skip Bayless, and Cutler scored in the 20’s on his Wonderlic. Hate that college boy. Not to mention, while most of us are holed up on the couch with a remote attempting to eat ourselves into diabetic shock, he’s taking insulin shots and playing football. There is no reason you should like a smart-Ivy League-Commodore-diabetic. Plus, Cutler told me in an e-mail that he hates you and baby seals. He’s not Commodore, he’s a communist.

-Bill Romanowski played for the Broncos and is considered one of the meanest and dirtiest players in the history of the NFL. Trust me, he hates you (and himself). Remember when “Romo” broke Carolina QB Kerry Collins’ jaw in preseason? How about when he spit in the face of J.J. Stokes? Or, when he hit Bryan Cox with a ball to the balls. “Romo” also went on to end Marcus Williams’ career when he punched Williams in the face, destroying his eye socket and ending his career while in Oakland. (Please note: Romo is nuts … and in no way are his actions adored by anyone in Denver. That I can promise you.)

-When is the last time you said to yourself, “Man, I am totally comfortable picking a Broncos running back for my Fantasy team?” You haven’t, won’t and can’t. Shanahan nearly invented the RB by Committee and told me, in no certain terms or real conversation, that he hates fantasy football players.

-You’ve probably lost money betting on the Broncos. Last season, they were a miserable 5-11 against the spread. Which means you bet them, lost money, and then had to tell your children/wife that they will have to be happy with a birthday trip to Dollar Tree.

-You can't like a team that felt comfortable with a player that said to the Baltimore Colts (loosely quoted) “If you draft me, I will go play baseball.” Not to mention, there is a good chance that John Elway probably destroyed your team once or twice in the closing minutes of a game, to spoil your chances of feeling good about life. I mean, he only won two Super Bowls and he's one of just two Broncos to be in the HOF. If Canton hates the Broncos, you should, too.

Other mitigating factors that should help you hate the Broncos:

- Jason Elam wrote a Christian suspense crime novel.
- Their offensive line is notorious for their chop blocking.
- A gay friend told me that orange and blue don’t go together that well. I then asked him, "Is your name Will Althoff?" And he said, "Yes."

I implore you to refer to this list when you think you are about to turn the corner and start liking the Denver Broncos. Hate them, tell everyone that you hate them, bet against them. If there is one thing that can cripple a Broncos team with no ceiling, it is a full bandwagon. If you are thinking about jumping on, keep in mind: we use Firestone tires (the exploding ones) and have a women driver who is always on her cell phone. 

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